So you’ve had some good conversations on the ______ (insert dating app or website of your choice…Tinder, Plenty of Fish, EHarmony, Match…etc.) Everything seemed to be flowing it and maybe you two had even made plans for the live date. But then one day, you were unmatched or unfriended or she just stopped responding and you hadn’t even met yet. RUDE, I know. Why did this happen? Here are some of my insights as a girl as to why I would suddenly ghost on meeting a guy that I had been interested in and had intended to meet. Have you been guilty of any of these seven online gaffes?
1. You came off as needy and overbearing; maybe you even seemed like you were whining about needing to meet her before her schedule allowed her a free night. That doesn’t come off as very considerate; who wants to even meet someone who already seems to disregard what obligations she already has?
2. You don’t know her all that well yet and you were demanding [physically/sexually.] You told her up front of your expectations of your first encounter. Um, you are telling me before we even meet that you are going to suffocate me with a kiss upon first sight? Maybe in books that is romantic, but in real life, that feels like an invasion of my space when I don’t even know you. If there’s chemistry, let it happen naturally. You can’t demand it up front like fast food.
3. You dismissed, or made fun of, or belittled something very important to her. When you’re getting to know someone you should try to find out about them without making judgments until you meet them in person. It is hard to convey jokes or sentiment over text message even with emoticons, so it may be similarly hard to figure out if the jobs she has worked, or the schooling she has received has been a big deal to her, but if you don’t respect it enough to ask a couple of open-ended questions about it before making a snarky joke, she will be left with no other option than to think that you think your job/education/experiences are better than hers. No one wants to date/meet a snob.
4. You assumed you were the only person they were matched with and talking to.It’s online dating…not online exclusive relationship. Sucks, I know, they may be talking to other people they have more and less in common with than you, but you can’t demand they only talk to you. Needy, clingy, desperate much?
5. You act entitled. This could be in the form of anything from talking about your job to how you expect her to dress when you meet her. If you’re already trying to change me before we meet…that’s a huge red flag that you don’t like who I already am. Go find someone else you don’t feel like you need to ‘tweak.’
6. You are already talking about future events despite not having met yet. Not much scares and independent person more than being locked into a rigid schedule before they even know if they’re committed to someone. Don’t ask me to your cousin’s wedding a month from our first date and try to lock me into being a girlfriend before we even meet.
7. You act like they owe you a date.I don’t care how long you message back & forth. No one owes you anything for your time. This isn’t a job. You are on app/site ____ voluntarily.
8. You bring up sexual items in your text messages or Tinder messages. Smart girls know that even if you say you’re joking about these things comma you’re really just testing the water to see how far you can go. If you’re not asking us about our interest and beliefs and trying to get to know us beyond skin deep, we know you’re not really interested in all of us.
9. All of your compliments about her looks. So don’t get me wrong, initial attraction is important–that’s why you swipe right. But, if that’s all there is or if you keep complimenting her the same thing over and over you…i.e. “you’re so pretty/hot/have a rockin’ bod/etc,” she’s either going to think you don’t have anything in common or you don’t have anything more original to say. You wouldn’t want someone to keep giving you the same lame old compliment over and over would you?
So maybe you should thank the girl who ghosted. She saved you wasted effort. If there’s one thing people hate more than ghosting, it seems like being used for meal ticket comes in at a close second. Be grateful that she realized there some kind of fatal flaw between you, and didn’t just use you for a free meal*. (*Not that I’m saying guys should always/ever pay, but it does still seem to be a norm. But that is a topic for another post.)